We have just got back from the Women's Hospital.
It always seems so empty there. There are no patients waiting to be seen at all, and the staff are all really friendly and have loads of time for you.
We saw Mr. Russell this time, who was really young and very nice.
He is taking us very seriously and wanted to know if our priority will be to regulate my periods, or to have a baby.
My partner answered for me, saying that he wanted a baby as his priority, which I was made up about! I wanted to give him a huge squeeze right there and then.
He knows I have a phobia of being an old mum! It's not that I am getting old as I am only 27, but my parents were 20 when they had me, and I just think that they are such a great age now as we are on fairly the same wave-length and can still go out and have a proper friendship together.
Most of my friends parents were 10 years older than mine when they had children and you can see the difference. Of course I am going to be more the age of my friends parents when I have kids, but I just dont want to be much older than that! In my eyes, knowing what I have always wanted, 27 is about 2 years older than I wanted.
Probably all women feel this, but I kept having a little niggling thought that I was dragging my partner into this and forcing him to think about it. But just that second when he answered the doctor's question, I realised that he wants this as much as I do.
So, now all the tests start properly.
I have to have 2 blood tests this month at various stages of my cycle. Then, in December, I have to go for this lovely procedure where they fill my tubes with dye and look to see if they are all open properly with no blockages or anything. Just lovely!!
I am already taking folic acid daily which the doctor commended.
I feel like a writing a book on this!
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Tuesday, 12 August 2008
Tuesday, 5 August 2008
Feeling negative
Hmmmm..... well I did my first pregnancy test.
Having always wanted my first time to be a 'positive' one, I was waiting until I was either pretty sure I would be pregnant, or until I just couldn't stand the sleepless nights and the anticipation, the hope and the nerves any longer.
Well, I waited for both really. I think I'd talked myself into being pregnant!
Anyway, of course the test came out negative.
I stood there for about 5 minutes looking at the indicator, thinking 'well, I dont think it's been 3 minutes yet' despite there being a single solid pink line on the strip.
I read the box about five times to see if I was correct in thinking that only one line meant no baby.
Then I kind of started examining the whole thing, wondering how it works, when really I know.
And then I started wondering if it's because I bought the cheaper of the two that the pharmacist had offered me, and if i should have gone with the twin pack to try again.
Now I am wondering if it's because it's too early to show.
But really I know, as I secretly did before, that I am just late for my period and my body is just a bit messed up with the pill.
That big thick, bright pink line now seems so so harsh to me. It could have been bright red like a big hazard sign for all that I saw. It could have even just been a big, fat 'NO'. Cos that's what it was saying, and that's what I saw.
I didn't sleep at all last night and at points I realised that all I had thought of through the night was that I could be pregnant and if I should do a test or not.
At least I might sleep tonight.
I told my boyfriend I am feeling really ill and weak, hoping he would get all excited thinking I was pregnant, but he said he was feeling ill and weak too and that he thought it was the weather.
It's true - he was awake all night too.
I havent told him about the test. Firstly I didnt want to either worry him or to get his hopes up (whichever one really). Then, also if it was positive, I really wanted to surprise him and tell him he was going to be a dad! And then, when I had done it, I just felt quite stupid that I had done it, knowing that I can't have kids, so didnt want to tell him cos I knew how ridiculous I had been!
Oh well, hospital appointment next week. I had visions of me phoning them to cancel my appointment, believing I didn't need it any more, but no. I'll be there for more prodding and probing and hormone testing! Yey!
Having always wanted my first time to be a 'positive' one, I was waiting until I was either pretty sure I would be pregnant, or until I just couldn't stand the sleepless nights and the anticipation, the hope and the nerves any longer.
Well, I waited for both really. I think I'd talked myself into being pregnant!
Anyway, of course the test came out negative.
I stood there for about 5 minutes looking at the indicator, thinking 'well, I dont think it's been 3 minutes yet' despite there being a single solid pink line on the strip.
I read the box about five times to see if I was correct in thinking that only one line meant no baby.
Then I kind of started examining the whole thing, wondering how it works, when really I know.
And then I started wondering if it's because I bought the cheaper of the two that the pharmacist had offered me, and if i should have gone with the twin pack to try again.
Now I am wondering if it's because it's too early to show.
But really I know, as I secretly did before, that I am just late for my period and my body is just a bit messed up with the pill.
That big thick, bright pink line now seems so so harsh to me. It could have been bright red like a big hazard sign for all that I saw. It could have even just been a big, fat 'NO'. Cos that's what it was saying, and that's what I saw.
I didn't sleep at all last night and at points I realised that all I had thought of through the night was that I could be pregnant and if I should do a test or not.
At least I might sleep tonight.
I told my boyfriend I am feeling really ill and weak, hoping he would get all excited thinking I was pregnant, but he said he was feeling ill and weak too and that he thought it was the weather.
It's true - he was awake all night too.
I havent told him about the test. Firstly I didnt want to either worry him or to get his hopes up (whichever one really). Then, also if it was positive, I really wanted to surprise him and tell him he was going to be a dad! And then, when I had done it, I just felt quite stupid that I had done it, knowing that I can't have kids, so didnt want to tell him cos I knew how ridiculous I had been!
Oh well, hospital appointment next week. I had visions of me phoning them to cancel my appointment, believing I didn't need it any more, but no. I'll be there for more prodding and probing and hormone testing! Yey!
Monday, 4 August 2008
The Big Test
Oh my gosh, I missed my period.....
I feel weird. I am all syked up that I might be pregnant but am sure I just cant be.
I came off the pill 6 weeks ago, when I went for my first fertility appointment. In case you don't know, my previous hospital put me on the pill to 'regulate' me, despite knowing that I was not able to have children and was hoping to get fertility help. She assured me that it was the best thing to do.
So, when I went for my first appointment at the Women's Hospital in Liverpool, the first thing the new doctor did was to take me off the pill. Obviously, she couldn't do anything whilst I was on it.
It meant that it put me back weeks and weeks because I had a week left of my pack which I had to finish, and then the doctor said I needed 6 weeks to make sure that the pill was definitely out of my system.
Anyway, so now I don't know if I have missed my period because my hormones are a bit messed up because of my pill, or if it is because I am pregnant?
I have looked up 'early signs of pregnancy' on Google, and I don't know if, by reading that and hoping hoping hoping that I am pregnant, I have talked myself into some of the symptoms. Like having a metallic taste in my mouth, or is that because I haven't drank water for ages?
As well as not having my period, because of endometriosis, I usually bleed for 20 - 25 days of my cycle with only a 5 day break each month. This has stopped completely. There is no sign of bleeding at all.
But I don't feel sick at all, have no aversions to smell or taste or anything.
I bought a pregnancy test but I have never done one before and really wanted my first time to be positive.
And I guess I kind of don't want it to be negative because it is nice to think it is a possibility, and I want to hold on to that for as long as poss.
But at the same time, funnily enough, I am craving alcoholic drinks and for the last week and a half have had a drink every night. Well, half a shandy or a small spritzer.
And I know that most people's first sign of pregnancy is the dislike of alcohol.
Hmmm... shall I take the test or shall I hold on to this special feeling for as long as possible?
I feel weird. I am all syked up that I might be pregnant but am sure I just cant be.
I came off the pill 6 weeks ago, when I went for my first fertility appointment. In case you don't know, my previous hospital put me on the pill to 'regulate' me, despite knowing that I was not able to have children and was hoping to get fertility help. She assured me that it was the best thing to do.
So, when I went for my first appointment at the Women's Hospital in Liverpool, the first thing the new doctor did was to take me off the pill. Obviously, she couldn't do anything whilst I was on it.
It meant that it put me back weeks and weeks because I had a week left of my pack which I had to finish, and then the doctor said I needed 6 weeks to make sure that the pill was definitely out of my system.
Anyway, so now I don't know if I have missed my period because my hormones are a bit messed up because of my pill, or if it is because I am pregnant?
I have looked up 'early signs of pregnancy' on Google, and I don't know if, by reading that and hoping hoping hoping that I am pregnant, I have talked myself into some of the symptoms. Like having a metallic taste in my mouth, or is that because I haven't drank water for ages?
As well as not having my period, because of endometriosis, I usually bleed for 20 - 25 days of my cycle with only a 5 day break each month. This has stopped completely. There is no sign of bleeding at all.
But I don't feel sick at all, have no aversions to smell or taste or anything.
I bought a pregnancy test but I have never done one before and really wanted my first time to be positive.
And I guess I kind of don't want it to be negative because it is nice to think it is a possibility, and I want to hold on to that for as long as poss.
But at the same time, funnily enough, I am craving alcoholic drinks and for the last week and a half have had a drink every night. Well, half a shandy or a small spritzer.
And I know that most people's first sign of pregnancy is the dislike of alcohol.
Hmmm... shall I take the test or shall I hold on to this special feeling for as long as possible?
Thursday, 29 May 2008
Private Parts
I'm a notoriously private person. I'm not the kind of person to indulge in girly talking about personal matters. I cringe when my female colleagues come in and announce they are 'on' or that they have bladder infections or anything like that.
I dont talk about sex, female problems or anything really that is private and personal to me.
So when I have had to go in and out of doctors and talk about my period pains and worse, it has just been horrible.
I kept it a secret for ages that I was having problems. I even kept it a secret from my boyfriend (I hate him knowing that I'm on my period and would prefer to just avoid him touching me, knowing that he will realise in a few days).
And then eventually I started to email a friend about it. I was very concerned in case she really didnt want to talk about that kind of thing, and sure enough she never did comment. She would reply to my emails but never ever mentioned the things I wanted her to talk about.
So in the end, I went to the doctor again.
I had been a few times in the last 5 years and each time had been tested for chlamydia, been told I was negative, and then given another contraceptive pill to take. The pill would work for a few months and then all the symptoms would break through again.
But when I actually started to get really bad symptoms - awful pain and discomfort and nausea and all sorts of things - I went to see my new doctor and finally was taken notice of.
But it was awful talking about all those things with her and every time I mentioned the word 'Sex' I would say it in a very quiet, hushed voice, almost hoping she hadn't heard what I had said.
When I got told a few weeks later that I had endometriosis and then that I couldnt have children, I was devestated and almost wished I would have been so much more forthcoming in the past few years. Perhaps I would have known sooner and been able to do something about it.
Anyway, then I had to go to the doctors with my boyfriend and talk about it all in front of him. Women's things!
Please don't get me wrong, I'm not prudish at all. But I just don't like to talk about it. I don'tknow - I just like to keep thos ethings to myself and I think I like to protect my boyfriend from it all really. When my friends talk about periods and PMT and urine infections I just think it is so unflattering. Not that I am vain or think I am super-human or anything. I just don't really want people to associate me with that kind of thing. There are definitely some people that I know and I just could never really get over the fact that they had told me something a bit sordid or a bit personal. I dont want people to think of me like that.
And when I had to tell my mum and dad about it all, that was hard too, because I felt that we were almost talking about sex (even though we weren't at all), but come on, you have to have sex to have kids, and there I was talking about fertility treatment with them.
Loads of people have such open relationships with their parents and they talk about everything. Well, my parents are like my best friends - they really are - I can talk to them about everything, and I speak to them every few days for like an hour each. But, I dont talk about sex with ANYONE.
So now I face the prospect of loads more testing and then fertility treatment which I know is important, but at the same time, so so so invasive. The thing I least like to talk about, is going to be the thing I am going to have to talk most about - with a lot of people!
I dont talk about sex, female problems or anything really that is private and personal to me.
So when I have had to go in and out of doctors and talk about my period pains and worse, it has just been horrible.
I kept it a secret for ages that I was having problems. I even kept it a secret from my boyfriend (I hate him knowing that I'm on my period and would prefer to just avoid him touching me, knowing that he will realise in a few days).
And then eventually I started to email a friend about it. I was very concerned in case she really didnt want to talk about that kind of thing, and sure enough she never did comment. She would reply to my emails but never ever mentioned the things I wanted her to talk about.
So in the end, I went to the doctor again.
I had been a few times in the last 5 years and each time had been tested for chlamydia, been told I was negative, and then given another contraceptive pill to take. The pill would work for a few months and then all the symptoms would break through again.
But when I actually started to get really bad symptoms - awful pain and discomfort and nausea and all sorts of things - I went to see my new doctor and finally was taken notice of.
But it was awful talking about all those things with her and every time I mentioned the word 'Sex' I would say it in a very quiet, hushed voice, almost hoping she hadn't heard what I had said.
When I got told a few weeks later that I had endometriosis and then that I couldnt have children, I was devestated and almost wished I would have been so much more forthcoming in the past few years. Perhaps I would have known sooner and been able to do something about it.
Anyway, then I had to go to the doctors with my boyfriend and talk about it all in front of him. Women's things!
Please don't get me wrong, I'm not prudish at all. But I just don't like to talk about it. I don'tknow - I just like to keep thos ethings to myself and I think I like to protect my boyfriend from it all really. When my friends talk about periods and PMT and urine infections I just think it is so unflattering. Not that I am vain or think I am super-human or anything. I just don't really want people to associate me with that kind of thing. There are definitely some people that I know and I just could never really get over the fact that they had told me something a bit sordid or a bit personal. I dont want people to think of me like that.
And when I had to tell my mum and dad about it all, that was hard too, because I felt that we were almost talking about sex (even though we weren't at all), but come on, you have to have sex to have kids, and there I was talking about fertility treatment with them.
Loads of people have such open relationships with their parents and they talk about everything. Well, my parents are like my best friends - they really are - I can talk to them about everything, and I speak to them every few days for like an hour each. But, I dont talk about sex with ANYONE.
So now I face the prospect of loads more testing and then fertility treatment which I know is important, but at the same time, so so so invasive. The thing I least like to talk about, is going to be the thing I am going to have to talk most about - with a lot of people!
Wednesday, 28 May 2008
Welcome!
Hi and welcome to my blog.
I'm new to this and have never done one before so please bear with me if I dont seem to know what I'm doing!
I've known I've wanted to do a blog for ages and just never knew what to write about - I still don't, but I'm sure over time, I'll come up with a theme - I hope so, or else this will just be boring!
Well, let's introduce myself.
I am currently living in London although this is soon to change as I move in 2 weeks up north.
I have been living with my boyfriend for 7 years and we are getting married in September!
More recently we have been joined by a little rabbit who lives with us. He's wonderful and a very energetic and loving addition to the household.
Err... what else?
I am designer. A graphic designer I think. How do you know if you are a graphic designer? I design greetings cards.
I dont have a job to go to when I move up North but I will keep you posted.
Errr...
I guess I should tell you that I recently found out that I have endometriosis and that I cant have kids, well, not naturally anyway. Bit of a blow - well, a big blow actually but we are working through it.
If anything, at least it gets us talking about kids - a subject that was out-of-bounds before, and we have decided to focus on this once we are married.
We need to sort out my endometriosis first.
I am now sat in the artroom supposedly designing cards, although this is a very boring job. I mean, I love designing cards but we dont really have a lot of creative freedom and usually we dont have very much work to do because someone forgets to give it to us. Great opportunity to write a blog though!
I'm new to this and have never done one before so please bear with me if I dont seem to know what I'm doing!
I've known I've wanted to do a blog for ages and just never knew what to write about - I still don't, but I'm sure over time, I'll come up with a theme - I hope so, or else this will just be boring!
Well, let's introduce myself.
I am currently living in London although this is soon to change as I move in 2 weeks up north.
I have been living with my boyfriend for 7 years and we are getting married in September!
More recently we have been joined by a little rabbit who lives with us. He's wonderful and a very energetic and loving addition to the household.
Err... what else?
I am designer. A graphic designer I think. How do you know if you are a graphic designer? I design greetings cards.
I dont have a job to go to when I move up North but I will keep you posted.
Errr...
I guess I should tell you that I recently found out that I have endometriosis and that I cant have kids, well, not naturally anyway. Bit of a blow - well, a big blow actually but we are working through it.
If anything, at least it gets us talking about kids - a subject that was out-of-bounds before, and we have decided to focus on this once we are married.
We need to sort out my endometriosis first.
I am now sat in the artroom supposedly designing cards, although this is a very boring job. I mean, I love designing cards but we dont really have a lot of creative freedom and usually we dont have very much work to do because someone forgets to give it to us. Great opportunity to write a blog though!
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