Feeling negative

Hmmmm..... well I did my first pregnancy test.

Having always wanted my first time to be a 'positive' one, I was waiting until I was either pretty sure I would be pregnant, or until I just couldn't stand the sleepless nights and the anticipation, the hope and the nerves any longer.
Well, I waited for both really. I think I'd talked myself into being pregnant!

Anyway, of course the test came out negative.
I stood there for about 5 minutes looking at the indicator, thinking 'well, I dont think it's been 3 minutes yet' despite there being a single solid pink line on the strip.
I read the box about five times to see if I was correct in thinking that only one line meant no baby.
Then I kind of started examining the whole thing, wondering how it works, when really I know.
And then I started wondering if it's because I bought the cheaper of the two that the pharmacist had offered me, and if i should have gone with the twin pack to try again.
Now I am wondering if it's because it's too early to show.

But really I know, as I secretly did before, that I am just late for my period and my body is just a bit messed up with the pill.

That big thick, bright pink line now seems so so harsh to me. It could have been bright red like a big hazard sign for all that I saw. It could have even just been a big, fat 'NO'. Cos that's what it was saying, and that's what I saw.

I didn't sleep at all last night and at points I realised that all I had thought of through the night was that I could be pregnant and if I should do a test or not.
At least I might sleep tonight.

I told my boyfriend I am feeling really ill and weak, hoping he would get all excited thinking I was pregnant, but he said he was feeling ill and weak too and that he thought it was the weather.
It's true - he was awake all night too.

I havent told him about the test. Firstly I didnt want to either worry him or to get his hopes up (whichever one really). Then, also if it was positive, I really wanted to surprise him and tell him he was going to be a dad! And then, when I had done it, I just felt quite stupid that I had done it, knowing that I can't have kids, so didnt want to tell him cos I knew how ridiculous I had been!

Oh well, hospital appointment next week. I had visions of me phoning them to cancel my appointment, believing I didn't need it any more, but no. I'll be there for more prodding and probing and hormone testing! Yey!