Still Hoping

I could point you in the direction of my blog 'Feeling Negative' as I am completely re-iterating exactly what I said then really. But, as I use this as my online diary practically, and a great way to get it all out, I'll just say it all again!
I can't believe that after all this time I am still in the same position as I was then and have no more hope than I had then.

But yes, once again, I stupidly thought I might be pregnant! How stupid!!

I think it was cos this time, I was timing everything. Like a weird, unnatural, machine-like woman, I had all my instruments by my bed and everyday recorded my temperature and used my ovulation testing strips like clockwork and went on the online ovulation calendar to make sure, so I knew for a fact what day was my most 'fertile' (supposedly!).

Then, when I felt a small pang of nausea, I quickly checked on the internet to see what the early symptoms of pregnancy were (as if I didn't know). And when the first few said that you usually feel nauseous after a few weeks, I kept checking all the websites until I found one that said yes, I could start to feel nauseous from day 2!!

Then, after reading all the other symptoms, I realised that actually, yes, I could taste a faint metallic flavour, and that actually I could smell funny things etc etc etc!!!! I felt an aversion to alcohol and prawns and the things I usually love...

I guess I really talked myself into being pregnant.

Even when I came on my period, I looked it up and found that actually, I could be having pregnancy spotting!!

It's really really disheartening to know that after timing everything so perfectly, I can still not get pregnant. It's amazing really.

And then you have all these people who, just because I just got married, think they have the right to ask when I am going to have children. You have all these people who get in touch on facebook and ask where the kids are. All these people that announce their pregnancies on facebook and then gloat about their cute baby photos. Grrr..... I really really do share in their happiness, I can't say that enough. But they don't really seem to realise that actually they are very lucky to have that and that not everyone can have that. They don't realise how insensitive it can be to plaster it all over everyone's computer screens.

Or am I just being a bit bitter? I think I am!

But it has been 2 years now! 2 years! I can't believe that.

I don't know how I feel about our next appointment in a few weeks. What are we going to find out, if anything, and what are they going to do about it?
My friend who has been going though all this but who was about 2 months ahead of us in terms of hospital appointments, had artificial insemination last weekend. My fingers are really crossed for them both.
I'm not hugely sure how I feel about that for us though. I just hope hope hope that we can do it all naturally.