Playing the waiting game

Yesterday was the HSG I had been dreading for so long. A horrid, intrusive examination to find out if there is something wrong with me, the results of which I won't know for 3 whole months.
It marks the end of our examinations for now and also the beginning of a long wait.
The doctors have our results but stupidly we have to wait til our next appointment. I can't believe that from August, when we had our last apoinment, there were no available dates til February in which to see us!
Next week it will be a year since we first went to the hospital (not to mention the 8 years I have been going to the doctors to petition to them to send me to the hospital) and where are we exactly? We have not started treatment, we don't know what's wrong, we are no more wiser than when we started. It makes me sick sometimes to think about it.
Al and I have taken matters into our own hands and are both taking zinc tablets and I have Agnus Castus three times a day, although not knowing what it is that's wrong with us, it might all be for nothing.
It's amazing that the fate of your future and of your children is in other people's hands and the results are all there written on a piece of paper. The only people that can't see the results are the ones that are affected by them the most.

I went into the scanning room and was asked to give a water sample before undressing and putting on one of those awful hospital gowns (you know, with the open back).
Then I was sat down and a nurse sat next to me to discuss all the risks involved, have me sign lots of disclaimers, and to tell me what I was about to go through.
Then another nurse came in holding my pot in her hand and informed me that I was not pregant. You don't say!

The examination was uncomfortable enough. A girl younger than me carried it out whilst two others watched the screen where the pictures of my fallopian tubes and womb were being transmitted to. I couldn't help thinking how unnatural this was. It's the most natural thing in the world to have a baby, and here I am being prodded and probed and radiated.
Too much thought has gone into it. I wanted dearly to never have to 'try' for a baby but for it to surprise me nicely and for everyone to be amazed and excited.
Now it's almost like a chore and if it ever does happen, everyone will be like 'well, thank God, at last!'
I never want to have to lie in bed with my legs raised against the wall - I don't want it to be that forced.
I've got a pack of ovulation testing strips next to my bed, and a thermometer - I feel like a machine - one that doesn't work.

I felt like I had the worst period pains on that table, and I felt so ridiculous with a horrible tube inside me. So undignified. One day my kid is going to ask me where they came from, and I'll have all sorts of tales to tell about blood tests, and samples and doctors, and instruments and thermometers!

What's really got me this week is this awful story about Baby P who was killed following a year of abuse and toture from his mother and her partner. How the heck can people like that have children and not me??? I know, I have turned the story on its side and being very selfish about it. The story is not about me at all. But it does make me question why some people can have kids and others can't.
How can that mother not be grateful for what she has been given though? How can she not love it like I already love my future children?
And it upsets me too as I have been looking into adoption, and in this country it can take from 2 to 10 years for an adoption to go through - that long. I could have looked after Baby P and he'd have been healthy and happy and loved.
I have to go through all kinds of tests and interviews to be able to look after a child. My home has to be visited and I have to be analysed. But any evil and cruel person can give birth to a child and not have any of these tests!!! How does that work??

I don't know. I am feeling so low and fragile at the mo and it just cannot be doing me any good at all, especially in trying to have a baby. Let's forget about the hospital yesterday and just keep going.